Would You Trust Your Partner To Pick the Right House?

Would You Trust Your Partner To Pick the Right House?

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Many couples dream of buying a home together—of giddily touring open houses arm in arm, discussing the merits of extra bedrooms for the day a little one arrives.

Still, buying a home is also a huge decision, and not always one that couples can make together. In today’s frenetically fast-paced market, the moment may come when you must ask yourself this question: Would you trust your partner to pick the house?

This is an increasingly common reality. Relocation for a job is one major reason why it’s often not practical or possible to have both partners taking part in the house hunt. Also, in hot housing markets, the pressure may be on to make quick decisions, or risk losing the perfect property.

But in such cases, how can you ensure that both partners end up happy? To answer that question, we spoke with three couples who found themselves searching solo for a house, to hear how they made it work and to ask what advice they have for anyone else making this major life decision without their other half.

‘You never know when you’re going to find a house you love’

In early 2021, Julia Jacobson and her domestic partner, Chris Roeder, decided to move from Minneapolis to Austin, TX—in part for the better weather, and to facilitate Roeder’s work in agricultural technology. At first, they’d hoped to find their new home there together.

“We took a trip to Austin for a few days in June 2021 to look at houses and rentals, but walked away feeling discouraged. Nothing felt right,” Jacobson told Realtor.com.

Because she had just started a new remote advertising/marketing job in May 2021, Jacobson didn’t want to take off more time, so Chris made another solo trip down to Austin in July.

“He called me and told me he had ‘found the house,’” Jacobson recalls. “He described it as perfect: in a great neighborhood, and with plenty of unique features, like curved windows and a breathtaking courtyard.”

Several other buyers were interested, and to snag the house, he’d have to make an offer immediately.

At first, Jacobson was hesitant, since she’d hoped they could rent for a bit before buying. Roeder was convinced this was the one.

Jacobson pored through the home’s listing photos, and was pleased to see that the property checked many of their mutual boxes:  a traditional yet “funky” vibe, a huge bonus room upstairs with floor-to-ceiling windows, and a private guesthouse where Jacobson could work on her art. The most striking feature was the inner courtyard.

“The house wraps around a courtyard, with a 150-year-old tree in the center,” says Jacobson. “He had even already named the tree.”

Jacobson recalls that she’d never heard Chris this excited about anything related to real estate: “He said, ‘I’m in love with this house, and I didn’t ever think I would be in love with a house.”

The Austin market was red-hot, with homes selling in days.

“I wasn’t expecting to get it in such a hot housing market,” says Jacobson. “So I decided me not having seen it wasn’t much of an issue.”

In four days, they heard that their offer had been accepted, and a month later, Jacobson saw her new home for the first time—a day before they closed the deal. Much to her relief, she fell in love with the place.

“It was definitely larger than a lot of the other homes we looked at, but it was still in the same price range, so that was great,” she says.

She hated a few things about the house, like the wall-to-wall carpeting—but she knew this would be easy to change.

After three months in their new home, Jacobson has no regrets in trusting her partner to pick the house.

“I was not expecting Chris to put in an offer on a house without me, and I definitely wasn’t expecting to get it. But things just aligned,” she says. “You never know when you’re going to find a house you love, so just be open to it.”

‘Most of us don’t get everything we want in a house’

In 2018, Nathaniel Hovsepian and his girlfriend (now wife), Brittany Hovsepian, decided to move from Oklahoma City to North Augusta, SC, for her job, which had her traveling there every other week. Although Nathan had visited South Carolina once before—and liked it enough to move there permanently—he’d have to trust his significant other to take the reins of the house hunt.

“Together on her ‘off’ weeks when she was with me in Oklahoma, we would scour the listings for available houses within 30 minutes of her new office and set up appointments for her to see them while she was back in South Carolina,” he recalls.

Then, when she was out looking at the houses in person, she’d have Nathan join by video on their phones, so he could get a closer look.

It took three trips to South Carolina and about 20 houses before they found the one.

“We wanted a decent-sized lot, a bigger kitchen, and plenty of space between ourselves and our neighbors,” Nate recalls. “This house checked almost all of the boxes.”

However, he could tell it was a bit of a fixer-upper. When a bidding war erupted over the house, his enthusiasm wavered.

“I had a number in my head that I thought the home was worth,” Nathaniel says. “Brittany was telling me that we needed to throw my valuation out the window because this wasn’t an investment property, it was the home where we were probably going to have our first child and get married.”

In the end, he caved, although he admits, “In my opinion we ended up overpaying.”

The first time Nate saw their new home was on the day they closed the deal, pulling up in a moving van after two long days of driving across country. While he was pleased with the home’s exterior, once he got inside, he found it was in even worse shape than he expected.

“It was totally livable, but was really ugly and outdated, and had old carpet that smelled,” says Nathaniel. “All of the wall colors were very drab and strange.”

Even more challenging, Nate had planned to do most of the home’s renovations himself to save money—ripping out the carpets, updating the kitchen, and painting throughout.

“We lived on concrete floors until everything was done,” he recalls.

It took nine months before he finished his renovations—and for him to be truly happy with the house.

“You know, most of us don’t get to have everything we want in a house, so it’s important to choose a few big things that you and your partner can agree on,” he says. “It ultimately comes down to trusting the other person to make a decision that is in both of your best interests.”

For the record, the gamble was right on: Not only is this the house where they got married, they now have a little guy living there, too.

‘Write lists of nonnegotiables’

Before they agreed to move “across the pond,” Rachel Baer‘s husband, Dave Baer, was traveling every other week for work from the United Kingdom to the United States. “The travel was hard on me, with two young boys,” Rachel admits. “When he received an offer to move permanently to Connecticut, we decided to make the most of the opportunity, not really expecting that it would be for more than a few years.”

They took a weeklong trip to house hunt in the area, without finding a home they liked. Rachel had to fly back, and found herself relying on her husband to continue the search.

While her husband was worried about making such a large purchase without her, he knew what she liked and more importantly what she didn’t like.

In fact, that’s the advice she’d give to couples going through a similar scenario today: “I would suggest writing lists together of nonnegotiables—things that a home has to have or that are a big no-no.”

On Rachel’s wish list was enough yard space for her to garden and for their two boys to play soccer. It also had to be near a good school, which immediately narrowed their search.

“Then there were a few additional requirements, such as the rooms had to get a lot of sunshine,” she says. “It needed to be a similar style to English homes, with bedrooms upstairs, and preferably there would be a fireplace.”

On the hard “no” list: close proximity to a busy road and needing major renovations. Together, Rachel and Dave also agreed that they wanted a neighborhood that would be safe for children and where their kids could meet others their age.

Armed with that list, her husband set out. Once he found the house he thought fit the bill, he emailed dozens of pictures of every room, inside and out, from every imaginable angle. Though Rachel initially thought the photos seemed “bland,” she agreed that it was the best option of the homes they’d seen, so she gave the go-ahead.

“I did trust my husband—after all, he had previously bought a sofa without me!” she says. “We had already agreed that if I really didn’t like it when I got there, we would look for another home later on.”

She first set eyes on the house after they’d sold their home in England.

“We were definitely committed by the time I saw it,” says Rachel.

Fortunately, her first impressions were generally positive.

“It was in the autumn, and the area was so pretty with fall colors,” she recalls. “It was suited to both our tastes and was definitely much nicer than any of the homes we had looked at previously, so it felt like a good start.”

She didn’t like the carpets and the bathrooms, but since those flaws were cosmetic, she felt she could live with them at first (both were eventually renovated). They did have to replace all the appliances, and were disappointed to have to use an electric stove rather than gas.

“However, I imagined a home large enough to have lots of dinner parties with room for lots of kids to play, and my husband certainly did a good job with that,” Rachel says.

She also fell in love with the double-car garage (a rarity in the UK).

“What bliss to drive inside during a rainstorm and unpack groceries without getting wet!” she says.

Another unexpected plus was a huge deck at the back of the house and the large finished basement—which first served as a playroom and is now a home gym.

Ultimately, she grew to love the house, thanks to the many years of memories it holds. After 19 years, they still live there.

“We’ve added special homey touches over the years,” she says.

In other words, remember that no matter who picks the house, making it a home is something you do together.

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